Parenting To Fix Your FeelingsJul 05, 2023
Have you ever given your kid a consequence that was perfect for their misbehavior… but still felt…insufficient, somehow?
Parenting To Fix Your Feelings
This happened with a client of mine recently. Her son had interrupted an online meeting with repeated requests for popsicles (sound familiar? 🙋 #summertimeWAHM), so she took a break to put him in his room until her meeting ended calmly, and he missed out on popsicles for the rest of the day. Perfect consequence!
But in our session, she said, “Later, he went to a playdate, and I was so irritated watching him walk out the door. He ruined my meeting, and now he’s happily playing with his friend. My consequence failed!”
My response: “Was the purpose of your consequence for him to be unhappy? Or to learn something about the choices he made during your meeting?”
Can you relate?
It’s easy to think that discipline only works if it makes kids sad and upset, but that’s not true. Think about times when you learned easily - were shame and sadness requirements for your learning? The effectiveness of discipline isn’t determined by how upset it makes kids but by how well it helps them connect the dots between their choices and the outcomes they create.
While it’s normal to think, “My kid should feel bad because they did something wrong,” parenting this way is not really about teaching. The truth is that our desire for kids to be upset/sad/remorseful stems from how hurt WE feel by their behavior, which can lead to extreme consequences and intense interactions. But, at the end of the day, our hurt is our job, not our kids’, and not our disciplines'.
This mom nailed it in giving her kiddo the consequences she gave, but she still felt upset, which is totally understandable. It’s not an indication that her consequence was insufficient but that she had some unfinished business of her own.
And that’s where I come in - learning great consequences is only a piece of the puzzle. Even when you’re nailing it, you will still have frustration, irritation, worry, and sadness. How incredible would it feel to have a compassionate, skilled expert in your corner helping you heal that leftover stuff so it doesn’t spill over into your parenting or weigh you down? If you’re ready for that kind of progress, lightness, and support, set up your free Discovery Call with me today, and let’s get you started on your coaching journey.
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