Do you do the "Near-Yell" with your kid?Jun 22, 2021
Hey Parenting People!
In one of the MomCalm Q&A's, someone brought up a great point:
“One of my problems is the ‘near-yell’. I’m not technically yelling, but you can tell I’m upset and people call me on my tone.”
Ah yes, the near-yell. We all know it well ;) Is it better than actually losing it? Absolutely. Is it healthy parenting? Weeeeeellllll... Anyone whose mom gritted her teeth and growled all the time can tell you - this is not a good place to spend your childhood. You feel the same shame you would feel from being yelled at, but now the fact that your mom is angry and disappointed in you is like a dirty little secret too. No bueno.
Conventional parenting wisdom says:
Fake it until you make it. Just don’t yell, even if you’re upset.
Screw this! No one teaches parents how to “make it,” so the best we can do is just fake it forever. This is super toxic and unsustainable. Being fake SUCKS. It feels like crap. It destroys relationships. It’s not fooling anyone.
The near-yell is faking it in its purest form. But, faking it is a starting point, and the near-yell can be a pit stop on the road to actual calmness.
But what if you're just staying in the near-yell and never leaving the pit stop? If you’re faking it all day, if you’re always on the brink of yelling, if your child’s behavior sets you off and you don’t know what to do other than try to hold it in or explode...
It's time to do the work and get to the place where you’re not faking it. I want your child to be able to misbehave without it triggering you. I want you to be able to deal with that misbehavior without feeling terrible.
I want you to healthily express how you feel to your child, even when it’s not all rainbows. This is what calm and connected parenting look like. It might seem hard, but it is actually SO doable with someone in your corner. Set up a free discovery call and see for yourself.
PS. I talk about these concepts more deeply in the MomCalm workshop, which is available to you anytime here. Check it out!