When Kids Say “NO!”
Aug 26, 2025
When kids say, "NO!" what do they really mean?
“Time to brush your teeth, kiddo!”
“No! I won’t do it!”
What’s your next move? (Not, what should it be, but what would it actually be?)
If you’re like the dad I was working with last month, you’d see red about that kind of defiance, and who could blame you? What a triggering response to get from your kid! Obviously, he is confused about who is in charge and how kids should be talking to their parents! In fact, this dad stated right away in our session that he was extremely angry about his son defying his directive that way.
However, when a kid says “NO!” like that, they are seeking a sense of self-determination. So, if we respond to their ‘no’ by trying to prove that they are NOT in charge, the grown-up is in control of them - we are denying them the one thing that would help them feel regulated.
A “NO!” it’s a good sign that a child is missing the feeling of autonomy that is so crucial as kids individuate from their parents. That “NO!” is their attempt to reassure themselves that they are actually the boss of their lives.
Try This Instead
So instead of pushing against their “NO!” the best response is “Cool! I respect your decision.” Take your child at their word, like this:
“Time to brush your teeth.”
“No! I won’t do it!”
“OK, that’s your choice, you’re the boss of your body. And I read stories to kids who brush their teeth, so we’ll skip that tonight. No problem! Love you!”
There is a way to parent our kids that attunes to them while also holding the boundaries of a teaching container. Maybe it seems nice in theory, but mind-melting in real life - I get that! This is why I do what I do - it’s my job to show you how to do this and give you the support you need to put it into practice.
It starts with a Discovery Call where you get me up to speed and I give you the perspective and feedback you need to realize that change is possible and so WORTH IT!
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