The Hidden Cost of Permissive Parenting (Why Kids Actually Need Discipline)

 If the word discipline makes you tense—because it sounds harsh, outdated, or like the opposite of the parent you’re trying to be—you’re not alone.

A lot of the parents I work with are deeply loving, emotionally attuned, thoughtful humans. They care about their kids’ feelings. They don’t want to shame, punish, or overpower. And somewhere along the way, discipline got lumped in with all the things they promised themselves they would never do.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth I want to gently name:

Avoiding discipline doesn’t necessarily make kids feel safer.
Sometimes, it does the opposite.

This blog—is about the hidden cost of permissive parenting. Not the obvious stuff like “kids won’t listen” or “your house is loud.” I’m talking about the quieter, deeper cost: anxiety, insecurity, and kids who feel like they’re carrying responsibility they were never meant to hold.

Let’s start by redefining discipline

When I say discipline, I am not talking about punishment, fear, or being mean.

I’m talking about:

• loving limits

• adult leadership

• boundaries that say, “I’ve got you. You don’t have to run this.”

In parenting theory, this lives under authoritative parenting, which is the gold standard for a reason.

Authoritative parenting has two equally important ingredients:

1. Emotional attunement – “I see you. Your feelings matter.”

2. Control and leadership – “I’m the grownup. I’ll decide what happens next.”

Kids need both.
Not one or the other. Both.

When we have attunement without leadership, we drift into permissive parenting. And while it often looks kind and gentle on the surface, it can quietly create a lot of internal stress for kids.

A story that explains everything

I shared a client story in this episode that perfectly illustrates what I mean.

When her son was a toddler, she was incredibly loving and calm. She didn’t yell. She didn’t punish. She cared deeply about his emotional experience.

But when it came to things like:

• nap time

• meals

• daily structure

…she often let him decide.

If he ran out of his room instead of napping, she shrugged and let it go.
If he threw food and walked away from dinner, she adjusted.

No drama. No anger. But also no adult taking charge.

Fast forward a few years.

At seven, this same child is bright, sweet, and emotionally expressive. And he’s also anxious—especially in social situations. When he’s anxious, he becomes controlling and bossy. He panics when things don’t go exactly as planned.

One morning, he forgets his backpack. His mom calmly tells him she’ll bring it later. That boundary is too much for his nervous system. He melts down, insists on controlling the plan, and refuses to go into school until things happen his way.

What looks like “defiance” is actually fear.

And here’s the key insight:

This child isn’t anxious because his mom failed to attune to him.
He’s anxious because he doesn’t feel like an adult is solidly in charge.

Why permissiveness can create anxiety

Imagine being seven years old and without anyone meaning to you’re effectively in charge of:

• when you sleep

• when you eat

• how transitions go

• how problems get solved

That’s not empowering.

That’s terrifying.

Kids whose parents don’t consistently take the lead often feel:

• overwhelmed

• dysregulated

• unsure where the edges are

And many of them cope by becoming controlling.

Because when the world feels unpredictable, control feels like safety.

This is why permissive parenting can lead to anxiety even in homes full of love. Emotional attunement alone isn’t enough to help kids relax. They also need structure. They need limits. They need someone else to hold the responsibility.

My honest confession

When my kids were little, I didn’t choose authoritative parenting because I was enlightened.

I chose it because I needed my house to not be a complete dumpster fire.

I wanted:

• less chaos

• fewer power struggles

• kids I could actually live with

And yes, authoritative parenting helped with behavior.

But what I didn’t fully understand back then was the bigger picture.

This kind of parenting doesn’t just make kids easier to manage.

It helps them develop:

• a secure sense of self

• internal “okayness”

• confidence moving through the world

Behavior changes are a bonus.
Well-being is the point.

Discipline isn’t about control. It’s about containment.

Kids don’t need us to be harsh.
They need us to be solid.

They need to know:

• someone bigger is holding the frame

• someone else is thinking about the long game

• they don’t have to manage adult-level responsibility

That’s what loving discipline does.

And even if firmer boundaries don’t magically erase anxiety overnight (they won’t), they still matter. Because they give your child something incredibly regulating:

a world that pushes back gently and predictably.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh… this might be me”

If you:

• avoid upsetting your child

• feel guilty holding limits

• equate discipline with being unkind

• pride yourself on emotional attunement but still feel like things are off

You’re not failing.

You may just be carrying more than you need to—and letting your child carry more than they should.

Boundaries are not a betrayal of your child’s feelings.
They’re a way of saying, “You’re safe. I’ve got this.”

And that message matters more than we often realize.

If you want support figuring out what loving discipline actually looks like in real life (not the Instagram version), I’m here.

You can grab my free workbook Getting Kids to Listen the First Time, or set up a free consultation call to talk through what’s happening in your family.

You don’t need to be perfect.

You just need to be the grownup—warmly, imperfectly, consistently.