The Hurt We Give
Jul 08, 2025
The Hurt We Give - It’s often a few months into coaching a parent when they ask me something like:
“Now that we’ve been working together for a while, I’m realizing how the way I used to parent really messed with my kid. Can doing this work fix those impacts?”
Recognizing the Hurt We Give
It’s so normal to recognize how we may have hurt our kids, and wish we could fix it. And OMG, I wish it worked that way! I wish my parents could be their best selves with me now, and it would fix my messed-up childhood! I wish the fact that I am ten times more conscious and healthy than I was when I became a mom could make up for the blunders I made back then. But unfortunately…
There is no avoiding the fact that we hurt our kids, no matter how hard we try not to. Or that once they’re hurt, we can’t undo it. But stay with me because there is hope!
Emotional and Physical Wounds are Alike
Emotional and physical wounds are alike in that someone else can inflict them upon us, but we are the only ones who can heal them. It’s our body that has to heal when someone cuts us, and it’s our heart that has to heal when someone mistreats us.
So we can’t ‘unhurt’ our kids, but here’s what we CAN do…
We can pave the way and make it easier for our kids to grow past their pain. We can get better and better at not hurting them. We can support them while they do it all. We do this by…
…modeling healing (by working on ourselves)
…getting good at apologies without needing forgiveness (by working on ourselves)
…tolerating our discomfort when they share their hurt (by working on ourselves)
…increasing our neutral curiosity about them (by working on ourselves)
…taking responsibility for the part we play in their work (by working on ourselves)
…learning to celebrate their struggles and emotions (by working on ourselves)
See a pattern?
We can only give our kids the stuff they need from us by working on ourselves. Otherwise, we’re piling more work on their plate, while making it harder for them to do that work.
Working with a coach means we add less to our kids’ psychological to-do list, and we help them cross things off that list. The more we work on ourselves, the more our relationship with them improves, and the truly magical thing is that their behavior and the harmony in our homes also improve. Ready to give it a try? Set up a free Discovery Call with me and let’s get started!
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