The Pitfalls of Praise

The Pitfalls of Praise | Have you ever received a compliment but still didn’t believe it on the inside? 

Same. The truth is that external praise can’t really change the way we feel about ourselves. And yet, we keep trying to use it to improve our kids’ disposition, self-esteem, or confidence?

The Pitfalls of Praise

When our kids put themselves down, it makes perfect sense that our instinct is to leap in and replace the negative with something positive. “You’re not dumb, you’re the smartest kid I know!” But it ultimately doesn’t work. In fact, external praise can sometimes backfire, giving kids the unintended message that their worth depends on others’ perceptions, that if they misbehave, others may not think highly of them anymore, or that the way to feel good is to look outside themselves for praise. Of course, we don’t want to give kids these messages!

It’s natural for kids to believe we are the source of their self-esteem - we’ve been the source of everything else their whole lives! And you know what? They’re right!

Self-Concept

Our way of being with our kids IS the seed from which their self-concept grows. But it doesn’t come from our compliments or praise; it comes from being connected to them and from their feeling safe with us. So how do we do that? 

Self-esteem, confidence, and behavior change come from a few places:

• Healthy parent-child attachment. When we work on ourselves so that we are neutral and non-attached to kids’ behavior and accomplishments, we can just BE with them in true connection, which is the single most important thing for kids’ self-concept.
• Struggling and overcoming. More important for kids than their parents thinking they’re wonderful, is their parents seeing them as capable - that they have what it takes to solve a problem. Hand your kids’ problems back to them with lots of love and confidence. Let them fail and receive them with lots of love and belief when they do.
• Being seen. Instead of evaluating them and their work, just observe them and know them. “That painting is beautiful,” becomes “I noticed you're painting a lot lately.” “I’m proud of you” becomes "I can see you’re really proud of yourself for that.”
• Self-discovery. When we ask questions, we help them discover how THEY feel about themselves and support their growth away from being preoccupied with how others feel about them. When your child says, “Did you see me do that? Watch me, aren't you proud of me? Didn't I do a good job?” Turn that into a question: “Yes, I noticed! How do you feel about the thing that you just did?”

Working with me means learning to be the impetus for positive self-concept and behavior in your child, in a whole new and healthy way. If you’re ready to learn how, set up a free call with me today and I’ll show you!

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