The “Cheerios” Moment: How Generational Trauma Sneaks Into Your Parenting

When my oldest was a baby, I refused to buy Cheerios.

Not because I was crunchy.
Not because I’d read a scary article about grains.
Not because I had a philosophy about breakfast foods.

I didn’t buy Cheerios because my mom used to give them to my younger sisters in a little Tupperware container—and somewhere deep in my body, that memory felt like a hard no.

At the time, I had no idea that was what was happening.

I just… never put Cheerios in the cart.

It wasn’t until a friend casually asked, “How come you never have Cheerios for Elijah?” that I actually stopped and realized: Oh. That’s not a preference. That’s a nervous system response.

That moment was one of the first times I really saw how generational stuff works.

Not in the dramatic, headline-grabbing ways.
But in the quiet, mundane, “why is this small thing charged?” ways.

Generational trauma isn’t just what happened. It’s what lives on.

When we talk about generational trauma, we often think about big, obvious wounds—abuse, neglect, addiction, abandonment.

And yes, those matter.

But generational cycles also live in:

• The tone we use without realizing it
• The rigidity we bring to “doing things differently”
• The fear that flares up when our kids behave in ways that remind us of our own childhood
• The intensity behind I will never be like my parents

Sometimes we don’t pass down the same behaviors.

We pass down the same energy.

That’s what I didn’t see at first.

I thought breaking the cycle meant not doing what my parents did.
No yelling.
No spanking.
No authoritarian control.

And while those choices mattered, they weren’t the whole story.

Because the rigidity behind never doing those things?
That intensity?
That reactivity?

Those were very familiar.

Conviction alone doesn’t break cycles

So many parents I work with say some version of:

“The buck stops with me.”

And I love that.
That conviction matters.

But conviction alone doesn’t break generational cycles.

Because here’s the uncomfortable truth:

We usually arrive at that conviction through pain.

We know something was wrong because we lived it.
We decide to parent differently because what we experienced hurt.

Pain and fear are powerful motivators—but they’re terrible foundations for sustainable parenting.

When fear is driving the bus:

• Neutrality goes out the window
• Control feels urgent and necessary
• Letting kids struggle feels unbearable
• Everything feels high-stakes

And that’s exactly how old patterns sneak back in.

Not because we’re failing.
But because unhealed pain always looks for the steering wheel.

This is the real business of parenting

The real work of parenting isn’t just:

• What do I do when my kids fight?
• How do I get them to listen?
• What’s the right consequence?

The real business of parenting is:

• What happens inside me when my kids fight?
• Why does this behavior scare me so much?
• What story from my past is getting activated here?

If your child’s behavior lights up fear, grief, anger, or urgency in your body, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

It means something in you needs attention.

And tending to that isn’t a distraction from parenting.

It is parenting.

Healing doesn’t erase commitment—it makes it possible

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is this:

“If I heal my stuff, I’ll lose my edge. I’ll forget why this matters. I’ll soften too much.”

In reality, the opposite happens.

Healing doesn’t erase your commitment to doing better.
It makes it possible to actually live it.

When your nervous system isn’t hijacked by old pain:

• You can stay neutral
• You can step back instead of controlling
• You can let your kids learn from experience
• You can respond instead of react

Not because you’re trying harder—but because you’re no longer parenting from survival.

Breaking cycles means being willing to look inward

Breaking generational cycles isn’t about perfection.

It’s about being willing to say:

“This reaction didn’t start with my kid.”

It’s about turning toward the fear instead of shoving it aside.
Listening to the parts of you that learned long ago that things weren’t safe.

Not to get rid of them.
Not to shame them.

But to tend to them—so they don’t keep running the show.

That’s how cycles actually stop.

Not with Cheerios or no Cheerios.

But with awareness, support, and a willingness to do the work inside the work.

If this resonates

If you’ve ever said the buck stops with me—and still find yourself overwhelmed, reactive, or stuck in patterns you swore you wouldn’t repeat—you’re not alone.

And you don’t need more information.

You need support in the part of parenting that actually matters.

I offer Parenting Support Calls for exactly this.
A space to slow down, look beneath the behavior, and understand what your system is carrying—so you can parent from clarity instead of fear.

Whether you book a call or simply sit with the questions this brings up, know this:

You’re not broken.
You’re not failing.

You’re doing the bravest work there is.